It has been a few months since the world stopped. Now every morning, I wake up to check my phone and discover a new wreck I can’t help but look at. I find it hard to believe that this year is happening for a reason. It’s hard to believe the universe planned this out to lead us to something better. Further into the year the heaviness and imbalance of energy in our world grows. It’s as if it all came to a stop and there is no more running. We are forced to face ourselves and each other in our own homes.
It took a global pandemic to hold my heart in my hands and see what’s inside it. Everywhere I turn I see the same things. There are no simple answers. There is only what is in your heart, and what hurts, and asking why without receiving answers. We have the time to ask ourselves anything unlike before when we were caught up chasing life outside of our living room or cell phone, but now what we have is the life that is inside us. The life that we’ve already lived, so we relive and replay these moments constantly because it’s what we must do to remain hopeful. Hopeful that those things will be there waiting for us when the blanket of fear is lifted because we don’t know what is ahead. It’s terrifying to think we won’t know how much of our old life is left when we return to our old normal. It’s hard to be okay right now because I don’t know what to be okay with because everything, we are experiencing is new. Balancing the past, the future, the present, is difficult. It’s hard to do anything without being pulled into the unknown of everything I don’t know and what I can’t control. Many say this is an opportunity to reflect but sometimes it feels like it’s doing more harm than good. When I’m resting, I feel like I need to work, when I’m working, I feel like I need to rest. It’s hard to feel any balance in myself when I feel the gravity hurt at my fingertips.
Although, with all the uncertainly and cloud-like futures, I’m finding it hard to believe that we won’t come out of this without learning something valuable. We won’t come out of this empty. It’s hard to believe that we won’t still find joy in the little things. We will get through this and we will be pick up our belongings and start over and readjust and fall in love with our new life. We will rediscover the things that remind us that we are still whole and still on track to where and who we want to be.
It’s hard to be okay right now, but I know that I, we, will find a way to be more than okay when things pick up again.